A few days ago I wrote about turning 23. Today I write about adjusting to life out of college in general. It's definitely along the same lines- trying to fit into a new environment, finding my place within it and not losing my sense of self. I think the thing that strikes me most is the different sense of community I have here at CA. In college, my sense of place within the community was secure. I was a swimmer, a very integral member of a team. I had all the bonuses of a team - the almost automatic friends, the sense of a greater purpose, the support system. I was also a member of the Classics Department, and that had it's own bonuses, as well- the feeling of family, the knowledge that your peers were as dorky about the same things as you were, and intellectual stimulation. Those two groups became my families at Oberlin, my communities that defined my experience there. (Swing dancing almost had that sort of significance, but I hated almost everyone involved at the end of senior year, so I don't count it as much. haha) I had friends, I was learning lost of awesome things about the world and myself, and I felt like I truly belonged.
And then I graduated.
It's amazing how quickly things can change! I am no longer a competitive swimmer or a Classics major, two things which defined my character and allowed me to get the job I now have. I no longer have two huge families whom I see every day, who are always checking up on me, who are involved in almost every minute of my life. Now, this isn't exactly a bad thing; it is nice to live alone (GOD, I love living alone!), not to have people ask me where I'm going or what I'm doing all the time, to be able to just have some space to myself. However, I did lose an enormous support system, not just my peers but the mentors I had in my professors, my boss at the library, and my coach, the indomitable Mark Fino. These were people who truly cared about me and my well being, who asked how I was doing and really wanted an answer, who pushed me to be the best I could be. I'm not saying that there aren't people in the CA community who care about me, but there is no one with whom I have such a close relationship yet.
"Yet" is the key word there. I was at Oberlin for four years, and I saw all the people I mentioned above almost every day. For four years. It was almost impossible for us not to form some kind of connection. There are days here where I don't see Jamie, the other Latin teacher, or my other friends in the faculty, and the fact that I may not be here next year, and certainly not for more than two years, almost disallows that kind of connection to form; we just won't have to time.
It's been difficult for me , learning to adjust to living life on my own. Because that's what I'm doing. I'm learning to live without the constant support of adults because, frankly, I am an adult now. Now I'm the one mentoring students, dispensing advice, dealing with conflicts. It's been difficult, knowing that the students look up to me and see me as a person of wisdom, when I still feel the need to run to Kirk's or Mark's office so I can burst into tears about a stressful day. I hope I am learning gracefully, figuring out how to survive without someone asking me every day, "How are you? Everything ok?" because I truly want to be one of those people that kids come to because they know they can count on them. I want to be like Mark Fino or Kirk Ormand, who spent countless hours comforting me, not even needing to say anything while still letting me know that they understood what I was going through.
So, here's to being an adult, figuring out new support systems, and becoming an expert at life.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
On Getting Old But Still Being Young
I know the title for this post sounds a bit melodramatic, but to be honest, I've been a bit melodramatic lately. Of course, I'm usually always pretty melodramatic, I guess, but this melodrama leans more towards the philosophical what-is-the-purpose-of-my-life kind. Since my last post, I have decided to read applications for an admissions committee, finished a hectic season of assistant coaching skiing, and turned 23. Basically, I was incredibly busy and because of this, became incredibly stressed out, on top of the fact that I was not yet fully recovered from the death of my beloved Westie.
Honestly, I think it was the "turning 23" along with the lack of sunlight that pushed me over the edge into this gloomy, moody attitude. Getting older doesn't seem to be fun for anyone, and on top of everything else that was going on in my life, I became one of those people who feared the seemingly insignificant change of numbers. I freaked out a bit when I turned 22 as well, thinking once that I was actually turning 21 (I maintain that it was because I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in about 5 months, but hey, whatever), and just imagining with horror all the terrible things that would happen to me once I became a "twenty-something." Well, turns out 23 is just as scary. Now I am no longer a young "twenty-something," but a "twenty-something" who is rapidly approaching 25, and for some reason I am convinced that 25 is when everything in your life should be figured out. The rational part of me knows that this is very untrue, but the subconscious part of me things that I should be married with a study job, house and kids by then. Of course this is not going to happen (Chris gets pretty prickly whenever I mention the "M" word) but I feel like I should at least have a steady job! Of course, in times like these, no job is steady. We had a very, very scary faculty meeting two weeks ago about how the budget needed to be contained and how there would be "position eliminations" before spring break. I know that my position is only meant to be a year, but the phrase "position elimination" filled me with dread. I am hoping to stay for another year, but if not, if every school is having as much financial trouble as CA is, will I be able to find another job? So much uncertainty makes me absolutely crazy. Along with the fact that I'm two years closer to 25, and seven years closer to 30, after which NOTHING exciting happens!
That's not true, of course, but thus my melodrama.
I think that turning 23 was so stressful because I've had to act so much older than I am for the past five months. I'm only 8 years older than the youngest students here, 4 than the oldest. That's not a lot of time between them and me. And I feel it, every day. I also feel the gap between myself and my colleagues, most of whom have Masters degrees, families, and at least 5 years of teaching under their belts. It's so hard to bridge that gap sometimes- usually I can hold my own, joking and conversing and getting along, but then someone makes a comment about a song from the 70's, or a movie from the 80's or even a TV show from the early 90's, and I have nothing to say in response, because "oh yeah, you wouldn't remember that" or "were you even alive then?!" With the students, it's a constant battle not to lapse back into the ease and comfort of my college days, when I could say and do anything without too many horrible (or job threatening) consequences. I want these kids to like me, but I want, and need, them to respect me as well, to see me as one of the teachers, not a slightly older version of themselves. Needless to say, this need to straddle two age groups is taxing, and I eventually felt like I was acting all the time, pretending to be someone I'm not, and age that I am not. The week of my birthday I broke down and cried for no apparent reason, crushed beneath the emotional burden of the death of my dog, the demands of my job, and fitting in my own self between the lines.
I'm doing better now, partially because ski season is over and I have much more time to myself now, and partially because I've accepted the fact that I am an adult now, and that I do have to start acting like one. This doesn’t mean, of course, that I can't go out and "act my age" - whatever that means. I'm beginning to understand the importance of balance in my life- I was so used to the college environment, where you could be yourself and still get everything done, but now I'm learning that the professional life and personal life do not and should not mix. Hopefully separating the two becomes easier with time.
p.s. This post was meant to be about my musings on life in general but became a post about how I dealt with turning 23. More to come on the rest of those musings about life.
p.p.s. I do have to say that I did have a very lovely birthday- I had a nice dinner party on Saturday with a bunch of friends and a home-cooked meal, and then on Tuesday, my actual birthday, my friend brought me flowers at work, which was really very sweet. :)
Honestly, I think it was the "turning 23" along with the lack of sunlight that pushed me over the edge into this gloomy, moody attitude. Getting older doesn't seem to be fun for anyone, and on top of everything else that was going on in my life, I became one of those people who feared the seemingly insignificant change of numbers. I freaked out a bit when I turned 22 as well, thinking once that I was actually turning 21 (I maintain that it was because I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in about 5 months, but hey, whatever), and just imagining with horror all the terrible things that would happen to me once I became a "twenty-something." Well, turns out 23 is just as scary. Now I am no longer a young "twenty-something," but a "twenty-something" who is rapidly approaching 25, and for some reason I am convinced that 25 is when everything in your life should be figured out. The rational part of me knows that this is very untrue, but the subconscious part of me things that I should be married with a study job, house and kids by then. Of course this is not going to happen (Chris gets pretty prickly whenever I mention the "M" word) but I feel like I should at least have a steady job! Of course, in times like these, no job is steady. We had a very, very scary faculty meeting two weeks ago about how the budget needed to be contained and how there would be "position eliminations" before spring break. I know that my position is only meant to be a year, but the phrase "position elimination" filled me with dread. I am hoping to stay for another year, but if not, if every school is having as much financial trouble as CA is, will I be able to find another job? So much uncertainty makes me absolutely crazy. Along with the fact that I'm two years closer to 25, and seven years closer to 30, after which NOTHING exciting happens!
That's not true, of course, but thus my melodrama.
I think that turning 23 was so stressful because I've had to act so much older than I am for the past five months. I'm only 8 years older than the youngest students here, 4 than the oldest. That's not a lot of time between them and me. And I feel it, every day. I also feel the gap between myself and my colleagues, most of whom have Masters degrees, families, and at least 5 years of teaching under their belts. It's so hard to bridge that gap sometimes- usually I can hold my own, joking and conversing and getting along, but then someone makes a comment about a song from the 70's, or a movie from the 80's or even a TV show from the early 90's, and I have nothing to say in response, because "oh yeah, you wouldn't remember that" or "were you even alive then?!" With the students, it's a constant battle not to lapse back into the ease and comfort of my college days, when I could say and do anything without too many horrible (or job threatening) consequences. I want these kids to like me, but I want, and need, them to respect me as well, to see me as one of the teachers, not a slightly older version of themselves. Needless to say, this need to straddle two age groups is taxing, and I eventually felt like I was acting all the time, pretending to be someone I'm not, and age that I am not. The week of my birthday I broke down and cried for no apparent reason, crushed beneath the emotional burden of the death of my dog, the demands of my job, and fitting in my own self between the lines.
I'm doing better now, partially because ski season is over and I have much more time to myself now, and partially because I've accepted the fact that I am an adult now, and that I do have to start acting like one. This doesn’t mean, of course, that I can't go out and "act my age" - whatever that means. I'm beginning to understand the importance of balance in my life- I was so used to the college environment, where you could be yourself and still get everything done, but now I'm learning that the professional life and personal life do not and should not mix. Hopefully separating the two becomes easier with time.
p.s. This post was meant to be about my musings on life in general but became a post about how I dealt with turning 23. More to come on the rest of those musings about life.
p.p.s. I do have to say that I did have a very lovely birthday- I had a nice dinner party on Saturday with a bunch of friends and a home-cooked meal, and then on Tuesday, my actual birthday, my friend brought me flowers at work, which was really very sweet. :)
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