So, I mentioned in my last post that I was trying to put some structure back into my life. This may come as a surprise to those of you who know me, since I am kind of a structure-oriented freak. The truth is, it's a lot easier to keep a good schedule while in school, at least for me, since I was swimming competitively at least two hours every day but Sunday. I had to get my studying done between classes and practice, or right after dinner; I had no other time to do it. So, in high school and college, I was the master of time management. I had specific amounts of free time in which to complete my studies, and since I'm a big nerd, I did. But I also had one other factor of motivation: adults. In school, there are numerous people telling you what to do just about all the time. Your parents, your teachers, your coaches, sometimes even your friends. Some people hate it. Some people, like me, thrive under it. I am at heart the laziest person on earth. And yet my swim coaches from high school say that I was one of the hardest working swimmers they ever had. Why is that? Because I respond really well to other people telling me what to do. In other words, I am a sheep.
In sixth grade, my mother took me to my first swim practice on a club team. I don't remember her asking me if I wanted to swim competitively; she just took me to the high school where the team practiced and dropped me off. I did what she told me to do and walked into that pool room where I would spend most of my high school life. I loved swimming, don't get me wrong, but I never initiated the joining of the team, and the only reason I did so well was because I did what my coaches told me to. I swam faster when they wanted me to swim faster. I changed my stroke if they told me I needed to. I swam events I hated because they said it "would be good for me." (Still waiting to see how that mile was ever good for me, Wolf.) And when I did well, I gobbled up the praise of my coaches like a fat kid with cake.
Ok, let's be honest here. I didn't get moderately good at swimming simply because I'm good at following directions. I fell in love with swimming almost instantly. I poured years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, into swimming and I totally adored it. I will never, ever regret those Saturday mornings or Friday evenings I sacrificed to the pool, the times I couldn't hang out or go to the movies "because I have swim practice." But I honestly believe that I would never have gotten to the level I did without the motivation of my coaches.
So now that I am without a coach to kick my ass into gear, I have fallen behind on...everything, at least in my opinion. I hate wasting time, I hate feeling like I haven't accomplished anything during the day, I hate not being productive. I actually get upset at myself at the end of the day if I don't get certain things done. It's a bit manic, but as someone once told me, "everyone has some kind of crazy." Despite this crazy hatred for not being productive, I seriously can't seem to get anything done unless someone else is telling me to do it. Even this blog post is a procrastination tool for the lesson planning I should be doing for the school year that starts in, oh, 14 days.
14 days! That's just two weeks! Holy shit, where did the summer go?! Even the looming school year, even my job is not a big enough motivator. It's too vague and far off. (Pfft, am I really saying that two weeks is far off?! See how crazy I am? I'm arguing with myself. In my blog.) My vague idea of what I'll do and my confidence in my knowledge is essentially what's keeping me from getting any real preparation done. Without someone to say to me, "Give me your lesson plans for all your classes for the first semester by Monday," I have no reason to get it done in advance. I'll just struggle through day by day and kick myself for not doing it earlier. And I know that now. Isn't that sad?
Wow, this post became way more of an introspection about my habits than a post about my (hopefully) successful new way of life. I guess you, anxious reader, will just have to wait for my next post to read about what I have deemed "Operation: Healthy." (And believe you me, it's a really, really clever name.)
ciao ciao
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